reflecting?

when I remember I have this blog
I look over the posts and think
"well, I am glad that is over"
because now I am still fucking scared
I am starting a new chapter in my life
and it is FUCKING HORRIFYING.
No school.
No job opportunities
No house yet
soon.
I will have those things.
How can something so fucking scary also be so exciting?
Who knows
if it doesn't work
I can always come back here
but I would rather not.

Then I think about all the people in my life
that I love
I have wonderful friends.
I am going to miss them the most I think.
The new ones and the old.

Growing up is so fucking strange.

I really wish
I could just pick up and leave
I wish I had the balls
I wish I had the finances
I wish I had someone who cared.

I can wish until I am blue
but really, where has wishing got me?