blue painters tape runs along the edges of all
the paper on my walls
i leave the window open
and nestle into my blankets
the cold air rushes in
sweeping at my face and hair
I am shivering

I leave the window open
the cold reminds me that I can feel
some emotion that isn't this sinking depression
it gets better
but when?

i paint my nails red
I will only pick at the paint
I only chew my nails when I am anxious
or upset
and as i pick at the red polish
i have the urge to just
pull my nails right off
and see the red glistening flesh underneath

the pain
to remind me i can feel
I want to tear off all my clothes and
rip out all my hair and
lay naked in the street and
pray that someone will see me because
i feel so invisible lately

but I dont have the motivation to fight for attention
i barely have the motivation to bathe or
eat or
put on real clothes but
all my clothes are dirty or full of holes

so i just lay in bed
with the window open
so i can smell the leaves and wood smoke
mingled with weed and cigarette smoke
I just lay here and think
about moving somewhere
living somewhere else

"We should start playing the lottery" you say
"If I had a million dollars I would do so many things"
I dont know if I would.
I would probably move
then find some menial job to occupy myself
because really
there is only so much I would do with a million dollars....

I need to get out of this funk....
with blue tape
and no motivation

Things are about to get graphic (not kidding)

nervous hands
nervous eyes
shaky breaths
eyes lock
drunken mouths
are more fun
when it's between friends
because really
i always wonder
if we had the same feelings
what would happen.
skin crashing into skin
hot breaths and sweat mingle
noses touch
finger cling
I want to claw at your flesh
I want to feel your nails dig into my back

I would fuck you
in the back of a fucking volkswagon.