Dragging on the floor
running through my mind
hands and feet on
the cold, cold ground
I yelled at the top of my lungs
and you looked over at me and smiled
sweat dripping off
both of our gleaming faces
so that all we could see was
above the crowd
and to each other
you touched my arm and looked in my eyes
and I knew
as i dragged my feet across the cold
hard pavement
breathing in the cold air
your hands were
running through my mind.

You run around
looking for your black sketch book
I want to ask if you have seen mine
small
hardcover
it has my health insurance card inside
i need that

I sit at the table
the wind outside howls
the sky is grey
i look down to see a baby's foot on the cover of a pamphlet
soft, pink, warm.
"watch me grow"
I look up into her eyes
and I watch her heart break

I look down then up
she looks away
and walks to her room

I look out the window.
I hear his voice
I throw the window open into the wind
and I fucking laugh like I have never laughed before.

The cold air stings
I think about standing in the rain
wind ripping at my skin
and I feel so trapped here.

what the fuck

Have you seen my voice?

I dont know how to say this
because I can't get the words out of my mouth
they are welling up in me
in my brain
flowing
ripping me apart

I am absolutely miserable here.
miserable
depressed
i can't even bring myself to do simple tasks.

I don't want to leave the house
I just want to cook
and drink tea

I want to smoke cigarettes
and sleep the day away

I want to look out my window
and see something fantastic
even if it is just a park
or another building

I don't want to see rundown buildings
a discarded blanket
broken glass

I want to live somewhere
that I feel safe

because here
I can't
riding the bus is hard for me
riding the tube is a breeze.

I am so scared
of everything
and it is completely childish
and I can not wait
for next semester
because I can be free
to get a job
to take what I want to take.

I just wish growing up wasn't so hard
but then again
I have had to be grown up for a long time

I just have never felt so alone
and I dont know how to say it
I just
can't

Because when I try and figure it out
tears well up
the wind blows
my ears ring
and my gut clenches.

it is honestly tearing me apart

but how can you tell those you love
that you don't love yourself
and that you can't do what they are so proud of you for
that you are miserable....

speaking up
is a hell of a lot harder
than growing up.