pick me up

i just want to leave
i wish i had a car
because then i wouldnt have to wait around
i wouldnt have to hang around an extra day and be miserable.
i could go home
sleep
spend the day with people i actually care about

but no
that wont happen
because i have no ride.
and too much stuff for the train.

i just want to leave
to run away
i hate it here
i feel so cooped up

i dont understand how people are enjoying themselves
i am miserable

and poor
and so fucking stranded.

because i dont have anyone willing to come get me.
willing to show a small amount of care
i cant fucking take it

i cant be here anymore.
fuck this

i just want to spend time with about 10 people.
and that wont happen
because of transportation

so please
please
PLEASE
just pick me up.
im stranded
and alone....

pick me up.....

god damn it

everything breaks
even plans
especially the ones you make with yourself.

i just zoned out.
had a lovely thought
of sitting in a window
watching the rain
maybe watching the sea or some body of water.
maybe even a river
drinking tea.
smoking.
being happy.
wearing an oversized sweater
hair up
glasses clean
no worries.

then i was rudely pulled out.
by your breathing.
your sniffling and snorting.

and i was so looking forward to being alone.
but alas.
that day shall come.

almost 4am

its almost 4am
i have a russian final in 8 hours.
i dont think im going to pass.

my stomach hates me.
i cant sleep.

monday can fuck off.

and all of this is because of depression and anxiety.

fuck.

you even smack your lips when you sleep.

too bad im already nauseated.
otherwise the constant smacking and teeth grinding wouldnt be so bad.

i really

need to get some god damn motivation.

i cant concentrate.
too depressed.
i cant even sit here with out my stomach knotting
because i know i have fucked up

i know i have done something to be ashamed of.
i am a failure.
and i dont like where i am

i told her i would do my best.
not for me.
but for her.
because i hate where i am.

i feel like a 7 year old.
talking to my cat.
because she is my best friend
and she is going to die.

and yes i know everything dies.
i fucking know that
its the circle of god damn life

but she is my best friend.
i tell her everything
and she wont judge me
she doesnt sass me
she doesnt say anything

she just sits there
and stares at me
like she knows exactly what i said.
and that she will keep my secrets.

so here i am
trying to study
not because i care.
but because i told my fucking cat i would avenge her honor.

because i am a fucking nerd.
because my cat doesnt need avenging
but because i feel like i have let everyone around me down.
myself included.

my father because i cant bring myself to tell him.
my mother because we are poor and she still supports me no matter what.
and that just hurts
because i dont deserve it.

and here i am
crying.
when i should be learning
because i feel so unsafe
so uncomfortable
so lost

because i know you arent here
and you arent holding me

because i really need to grow some fucking balls
tell you what i think
all of you.
because i really need
to get some god damn motivation.

i just need a fucking break
a life
something besides what i am expected to do.

i need to be away from here
but i dont think i would be happy.
i cant let people down.

so many things i wish i had done
but i dont have time for regrets.

i have to avenge the honor of a cat.
who has done nothing more than listen.
and be my friend when i felt like no one else would be.
who loved me when i was mad
and hates when i cry.

who would sleep with me when i was sick.
and would sit with me when i waited for my friends.
who would eat off my plate, and meow in the middle of the night because she wanted to find me.

im sorry im not home
im sorry i wasnt better to you.

im sorry im not there to make you feel safe.

im sorry i dont fee safe.
im sorry i hate it here.

im sorry for everything i shouldnt be sorry for.

im sorry i love you so much
and you dont feel the same way.

im sorry that i cried on you
and made you feel awkward.

i really need to not be so sorry.
i just really have no idea what im doing.
and i am scared.
i really really am.

Finals week

my body fucking hurts
its ahrd to believe that just 2 days ago i was happier than i had been in a long time
i saw you
and my heart stopped
i was so happy
the cold
the snow on the ground
it was right

we had a magical day
woke up
you made breakfast
we drank wine
you got high

it was a good day
a good fucking day

then i went to your play
it was fabulous.

i voted 3 times

then i got home

its amazing how something like a puddle of urine can change everything.

my cat is dieing
my mom had cancer
i hate college

MY CAT IS GOING TO DIE
MY MOTHER MAY HAVE A CANCER RELAPSE
AND I FUCKING HATE COLLEGE AND AM DOING POORLY

but somehow
i feel safe
sobbing into your chest
crying onto that sweater i wear from time to time

when you hold me
and i cry
i feel safe

etiquette is a necessity not an option.

please.
PLEASE
just use manners

sometimes
it kills me
when you sneeze
and dont cover your mouth
when you sniffle instead of just blowing your nose
when you slurp your soda and soup
when you cram food in your mouth in a way that makes you look like you are unhinging your jaw.

i know i am not the most well mannered person
i fucking know that

but at least i dont talk about useless shit
i dont pretend to know what i am talking about when i dont

i am pretentious.
but i am not so pretentious and pompous that i cant admit failure
or that life sucks

SO STOP FUCKING BITING YOUR NAILS
AND SMACKING YOUR LIPS
AND LAUGHING INAPPROPRIATELY LOUD
AND CHEWING YOUR GUM LIKE A GOD DAMN FUCKING COW EATING GRASS

i may pull a chicago... "i swear if you POP that gum ONE MORE TIME...."

so please keep in mind
manners are everything unless you are alone
and even then, you should use them

because you are disgusting
etiquette is a necessity not an option.

stains stains stains

stains on the sheets
stains on my clothes
on my jacket
on my skin

your voices tear at my ears.
your voice is like nails on a chalkboard
ripping my ears.

your trash is invading
now i have alot of stuff spread out

but its papers i use
books
clothes

yours are empty cans
packaging from food and sweets
old coffee cups

its invading
and creating stains
in my space
the smell stains my nose
stains stains stains

only way to get them out is to scrub

but there is nothing strong enough to get them out,
because you put them back in.

thank god its almost time to leave
i need a fucking break
from all these stains.

i guess these are poems

i sit here and i do these blog posts
but i never know what the are
i suppose they are poems
because they get out everything i have to say
with out saying much at all

plus there is the way they are broken

completely terrible.

i see people i could be friends with
people i have met.

i think about traveling

i want to be in germany
or ireland
or scotland
or london
or even birmingham!

i would kill to travel to all 50 states.
i wish i wasnt here
i really dont like school

but i will do it
because i dont want to let my family down
or my friends

because i am fucking smart
but im also pretty dumb.

i look around i see people who are sure of themselves
im sure they have fear
but it isnt written on their faces

they seem to conceal it

i need to learn to do that

but i also need to be able to show people i love them
with out putting my heart too far on the line

so i guess i will ramble
and long
and cry

and sit here
in a constant state of fear and depression.
filled with panic and anxiety attacks.

and i will write these poems
these ramblings of my mind.

that get me absolutely no where

because i am here
you are there
i need you more than you will ever need me.
im too attached.
too fucking attached.

save me.
even though i know yo cant.

so close

so close to being done
so close
so FUCKING close

i can feel it in my reach
i just need to find motivation

for school
for love
for everything

so i will sit here and watch 90's television
drink tea
and try to find my mind
try to get things done

try to find my love for something else
because so far im just disappointed.
so far this is my nightmare world

i feel like that hummingbird in the cartoon
flapping my wings and not moving.

isnt it odd how when we try to find out future,
what we are going to do, how we are going to progress
we find ourselves doing nothing

going nowhere.

im so close.

but too far away...

Excuse me,

Read. not a book
a newspaper
a magazine
a fucking current events webpage.

then join the real world

not everything is about you
just because some one is speaking doesnt mean it is to you

learn to function
to breathe
to eat
to be quiet
to use manners

i dont understand people
ever

i am so tired of everyone
of everything

and its not them
its me.

because i am relatively unhappy i assume everyone else around me should be

but that is selfish.
but i know there are others.

im sick of living in a passive aggressive world.
of people not just saying what they want

i need people to grow a thicker skin
to fucking buck up.

oh well that wont happen

im tired of being sick
im tired of not sleeping.
but i have given up even caring.

really.
i dont care
about you
about your problems
about anything
i just want to get the fuck out here

but i cant because i will be letting people down

not myself.
but my friends and family.

maybe i need medicated
or help
but we will see

this bed sucks
i can feel my back screaming.
i can feel the springs with my feet.
the sheets i have are too big.
they slide around

so i will sit here
and read the news
read some fucking current events

because i realize that knowledge is power
that if i can educate myself i wont be like you

i will use manners
and common sense.

now if you will excuse me....

cold hard cash.

im running out of money
im going to start selling things i use
i have a brand new bike.

$400.
i dont know what to do.
the world runs on money

all you need is love
BULL SHIT!

all you need is financial stability.

all you need is money.