i just cant get over anything lately

I seen to be in a rut
so stuck

i feel fine when im home
but then i am smashed back into the real world

i am torn away from any warmth i feel
the smell of cold air and wood smoke in my nose

the heat of bodies
the warm soft skin of your hand in mine

all of that is gone

i want to read dante again
i actually really liked that book

probably because the only thought in my head is
"abandon all hope ye you enter here."

its depressing.
im depressed
big fucking surprise

yet im shocked because i think i love you
and ive never liked someone for so long

but alas.
i am in a place that i feel is sucking out my mind

but there is no one here to influence me in any way.

so i will sit here
watch its always sunny in philadelphia

and pray that it was like that here

because lately i just cant get over anything

I thought...

The other day i wrote an epic post
it managed to fit all of my feelings into one
better than in anyway i had tried before
it took me an hour to do

i should have been working on my climate change paper
but that has no meaning

i remember as i sat in the library
the section that looks like an old spanish church and harvard had a child.
the sanctity of that section
is like a church

no one speaks
just the sound of the old chairs creeking
and every once and a while some one turns a page
or takes a sip of a drink too loudly

i had to sit there
sit and try to concentrate.
but i couldnt
i still cant
i remember because it was last night

i was fighting the urge to sob
to cry uncontrollably in that holy place

as i sat i sipped
the mint tea from satellite
and i had to fight the urge to scream
and cry
and just break down

but i did
i spent most of the night curled up
sobbing.

that is what college has done to me
i have always been depressed
as long as i can remember.

i have been away from home
i dont think i am homesick

i am just miserable
the utter confusion of being here
is scrambling my fucking brains

i cant focus
my stomach is constantly churning

for 2 weeks now
i feel like crap
i feel like i am going to die

i dont know what to do
i dont sleep
i dont think
i just sit
and fight the urge to cry

and i had written something wonderful
but i guess i never posted it.
and i didnt save it

and i guess i just thought
i could be happy
i could find my way
i could feel safe and warm

but i dont i guess it was all just a thought

the taste of ginger tea

as i sit here
as i do everyday
i think

i sit here and drink some lukewarm tea
ginger tea
it tastes minty and peppery

supposed to help my stomach.
we will see.

lately i have been so sick
every night for the last week and a half i have felt sick
i am so tired

i lay in the grass mid day
its a struggle to keep my eyes open
i stare into the sky
i can feel the chill of the wind
the sun slips away
im in a shadow
the cold increases

breathe in
breathe out
my ipod slips out of my pocket and shuffles

and i struggle to stay awake.

i dont know how i feel anymore
i dont know what to do

my mother says things to me that are all too true
she is willing to let me go abroad
she suggests it
she says i would be happier

probably.
but i so dont like school
even in another country
school is school

i want to get out
i want to go abroad
but i have no money

the fact that my mother
my mother who is currently paying for radiation treatments.
wants to send me abroad if it will make me happy
but it wont
i will worry so much about money
so much about everything

so i sit here
and become more depressed.
i think about next year.
i think about how this summer im going to need 2 jobs.
about how i so desperately need and want to go on a road trip
but i probably wont be able to

so i plan them.

but at the end of the day
i just sit here
in my bed
alone most of the time
and i cry.
i think about what i need to do
and how i want to succeed
and it depresses me
everything around here does

so tonight i will sit here
watch shitty tv
and drink ginger tea
the spicy taste of pepper and ginger
of mint and lemon
the lukewarm slowly cooling
not completely with out comfort
tea.

when really
i want to be drinking this tea
in my bed
with my cat,
curled around several different childrens books.
safe
warm
sure of what i should do.
for once i want to feel secure.

but where is the reality in that?

care package

as i walked into the mail room today
i didnt know what to expect
nothing i suppose.
ive been running on roughly 5 hours of sleep
and am in a generally depressed and crappy mood lately.

but i had a package
from my mother

ive been really sick the last week and i didnt know what to expect.

i open it
there are 3 types of tea
ginger candy. a magazine
corn bread
red chile
broth cubes
thanksgiving decorations i will never use.
a magazine
old cookies
and a roll of life savers.

i dont like life savers.
plus i know they have been in my moms drawer for years.
i gave them to her.

i reach in the box and take them out.
so many things rush into my mind

first- i really dont like life savers that much
second- i begin to sob
my mother knows i dont like life savers
this is her way of saying everything is going to get better
so i sit on my bed
crying
holding a roll of old life savers.

i know my mother loves me.
i know she does
otherwise she wouldnt even bother sending me a package
let alone one with things i will never use but she knows i will like

i need a life saver
like the kind on a ship.
i constantly feel like im just treading water. waiting for hypothermia to kick in.
i need some one to throw the fucking floatation device
and save me
but that wont happen

im a big girl
i need to save myself.
and i am learning to swim.

so im going to sit here
on my bed
clutching an old roll of broken hard candy
a card thats just signed XOXO mom
and some cheap foam thanksgiving decorations.

and i am going to cry.
not because i am helpless and sad.
but because i feel loved
and i feel like i can start to swim.

its odd how even when i feel like i am in an endless tunnel,
there is something that gives a flicker of light.

you are pretty worthless

i must say
the things we say
the things we do

we started with pick up lines
then went on to weather
i do not want to be a booty call
so when you texted me
saying you wanted me to talk dirty to you
to fucking tell you dirty things
send you pics

i panicked
i cant be like that
i dont like you

i panicked
i told you i was dating one of my best friends
the one that is like a brother

not because i want to be with him
but because i dont want to be in a dirty situation with you

as much as i hate to admit it i am quite innocent
quite old fashioned

i am the kind of person that just wants someone to snuggle
i am the person that watches south park on friday nights instead of going out.

i am the person who thinks one night stands arent a good way to boost your ego.

i am the person that is desperate
but not so desperate as to tell you about having to clean myself up after a one night stand
in vain hopes that i can get with you.

i am the girl that is never wanted.
never needed
and i have sadly become accustomed to it.

so i will sit here
watch tv
sew my buttons back on my coat
fix my bra
and wallow

in self hate
in the fact that i have no idea where my life is going

in the fact that i am jealous of someone i shouldnt be jealous of.

in the fact that i am completely in love with someone i can never ever have.
someone that i can hold hands with and watch spongebob
someone that thinks me and my cat are precious
even though she smells
and her coat isnt what it used to be

someone who will say the strangest things
and not realize it
but im pretty sure he does.

and here i am.
rambling
about things i can never have.
things i will never get
because i know
KNOW
that you dont feel the same way.

but oh well.

there are few people that i feel are worthless
but there are a few
a certain few
that are.

this is for you
you worthless mother fuckers

because somehow in my sad way i know i still have dignity
i still have my mind
and my innocence.

but deep down
i am worthless

im running out of wit

i suppose there will always be a part of my heart for you
a part that beats and throbs
i can never get my head around it.

as we drove down the highway, cold air in my face
the setting sun glinted gold off the mesas
it caught my hair, blurred my vision
meaningless billboards posted everywhere
one says "home sweet home"
well fuck that.

home is not here
not where i was going that day
not where i am now.

who am i kidding
that rich hell pit will always be home
its like a drug
so addicting

but you hate to use
to have it
to need it
to want it.

i sit here
alone
in this god damn dorm
sick as a dog
i feel better tonight
i want to run
to be free
to scream at the top of my lungs

i want to fuck shit up
i want to crush the ever present establishment
the way people think
the way everyone sees things

i want there to be logic
to be a god damn thought in everyones head
not just about school or personal issues

but about our society and how we are effecting it
how we can change things for the better.

then i have to tell you one thing
and do another
its so fucking contradictory

then there are the idiots of everyday
the ones who dont fucking realize that no matter what
our dreams are always dreams

as much as we want to be famous
it wont happen
it wont happen
IT WONT FUCKING HAPPEN!!!!

i want to follow my dreams
but i need to follow what my family wants me to do
i need to set aside all that i want for others
because even though people say that they will support you no matter what
they are liars
people lie

underneath it all
you need to make everyone around you happy before you can be

and i will never understand that
i want you
i want to get out of here
i want you to be happy.

but somehow
i know it wont happen

so im going to fall into the line

however
i plan on fucking shit up
i plan on making everyone think

and no number of scheduling conflicts can make these plans change
because they will not bend

fuck you
fuck this
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

im going to get what i want
what i need
but i guess it will take time
and its just ticking by
ticking ticking ticking.