the taste of ginger tea

as i sit here
as i do everyday
i think

i sit here and drink some lukewarm tea
ginger tea
it tastes minty and peppery

supposed to help my stomach.
we will see.

lately i have been so sick
every night for the last week and a half i have felt sick
i am so tired

i lay in the grass mid day
its a struggle to keep my eyes open
i stare into the sky
i can feel the chill of the wind
the sun slips away
im in a shadow
the cold increases

breathe in
breathe out
my ipod slips out of my pocket and shuffles

and i struggle to stay awake.

i dont know how i feel anymore
i dont know what to do

my mother says things to me that are all too true
she is willing to let me go abroad
she suggests it
she says i would be happier

probably.
but i so dont like school
even in another country
school is school

i want to get out
i want to go abroad
but i have no money

the fact that my mother
my mother who is currently paying for radiation treatments.
wants to send me abroad if it will make me happy
but it wont
i will worry so much about money
so much about everything

so i sit here
and become more depressed.
i think about next year.
i think about how this summer im going to need 2 jobs.
about how i so desperately need and want to go on a road trip
but i probably wont be able to

so i plan them.

but at the end of the day
i just sit here
in my bed
alone most of the time
and i cry.
i think about what i need to do
and how i want to succeed
and it depresses me
everything around here does

so tonight i will sit here
watch shitty tv
and drink ginger tea
the spicy taste of pepper and ginger
of mint and lemon
the lukewarm slowly cooling
not completely with out comfort
tea.

when really
i want to be drinking this tea
in my bed
with my cat,
curled around several different childrens books.
safe
warm
sure of what i should do.
for once i want to feel secure.

but where is the reality in that?