expectations

please
tell me that you
didnt just ask me
to move there because
i would
In a heartbeat
and that isn't good.

"We need to find you a man friend"
she says
I laugh and say
"I KNOW RIGHT!"
because I do.
I know.
I want one.
but
It is much harder than you think.

our friends are so in love
and it is so strange to me
to think
"What if they make it? what if they do get married?"
so strange.
but so possible.

Being alone
and growing up
are hard.
But they need to happen.
so please
dont tell me
to move there
because I cant
you know that
I love you more than anyone else
and that needs to stop.
because I know you don't feel the same way.
I need to see you again.
to let you hold me.
So I can know if this is real.
but I know it's not

I am not that pretty
I am so average.
You are so not average.

There are just too many expectations
That I dont know.

I need to dye my hair
everyday I
look in the mirror and say that
to my brown eyes
maybe they are hazel
the green and grey sinks into the brown
I need to see the world
to run free
to breathe the cold air
to see snow fall
somewhere that isn't here

Home is where the heart is they say
I think that
as I sit in my room
fan full blast
the cold air shakes my skin
The sound of a distant train

Home is where the fucking heart is
too bad
my heart isn't here

A plane flys overhead
low and loud
I can hear the turbines
I wish I could run out of here
and go to find my heart.

If it had a phone
I would call it
and leave a billion different messages
hoping it would call back
but I have a feeling that
the heart must be hunted for

If only I knew how.

I need to dye my hair
I look into the mirror
there are lines in my face
they don’t exist.

I only wish that
I had some idea of what to do
and how to squash the wanderlust in my heart
but I know I cant

an infant can’t tame a lion.