pick me up

i just want to leave
i wish i had a car
because then i wouldnt have to wait around
i wouldnt have to hang around an extra day and be miserable.
i could go home
sleep
spend the day with people i actually care about

but no
that wont happen
because i have no ride.
and too much stuff for the train.

i just want to leave
to run away
i hate it here
i feel so cooped up

i dont understand how people are enjoying themselves
i am miserable

and poor
and so fucking stranded.

because i dont have anyone willing to come get me.
willing to show a small amount of care
i cant fucking take it

i cant be here anymore.
fuck this

i just want to spend time with about 10 people.
and that wont happen
because of transportation

so please
please
PLEASE
just pick me up.
im stranded
and alone....

pick me up.....

god damn it

everything breaks
even plans
especially the ones you make with yourself.

i just zoned out.
had a lovely thought
of sitting in a window
watching the rain
maybe watching the sea or some body of water.
maybe even a river
drinking tea.
smoking.
being happy.
wearing an oversized sweater
hair up
glasses clean
no worries.

then i was rudely pulled out.
by your breathing.
your sniffling and snorting.

and i was so looking forward to being alone.
but alas.
that day shall come.

almost 4am

its almost 4am
i have a russian final in 8 hours.
i dont think im going to pass.

my stomach hates me.
i cant sleep.

monday can fuck off.

and all of this is because of depression and anxiety.

fuck.

you even smack your lips when you sleep.

too bad im already nauseated.
otherwise the constant smacking and teeth grinding wouldnt be so bad.

i really

need to get some god damn motivation.

i cant concentrate.
too depressed.
i cant even sit here with out my stomach knotting
because i know i have fucked up

i know i have done something to be ashamed of.
i am a failure.
and i dont like where i am

i told her i would do my best.
not for me.
but for her.
because i hate where i am.

i feel like a 7 year old.
talking to my cat.
because she is my best friend
and she is going to die.

and yes i know everything dies.
i fucking know that
its the circle of god damn life

but she is my best friend.
i tell her everything
and she wont judge me
she doesnt sass me
she doesnt say anything

she just sits there
and stares at me
like she knows exactly what i said.
and that she will keep my secrets.

so here i am
trying to study
not because i care.
but because i told my fucking cat i would avenge her honor.

because i am a fucking nerd.
because my cat doesnt need avenging
but because i feel like i have let everyone around me down.
myself included.

my father because i cant bring myself to tell him.
my mother because we are poor and she still supports me no matter what.
and that just hurts
because i dont deserve it.

and here i am
crying.
when i should be learning
because i feel so unsafe
so uncomfortable
so lost

because i know you arent here
and you arent holding me

because i really need to grow some fucking balls
tell you what i think
all of you.
because i really need
to get some god damn motivation.

i just need a fucking break
a life
something besides what i am expected to do.

i need to be away from here
but i dont think i would be happy.
i cant let people down.

so many things i wish i had done
but i dont have time for regrets.

i have to avenge the honor of a cat.
who has done nothing more than listen.
and be my friend when i felt like no one else would be.
who loved me when i was mad
and hates when i cry.

who would sleep with me when i was sick.
and would sit with me when i waited for my friends.
who would eat off my plate, and meow in the middle of the night because she wanted to find me.

im sorry im not home
im sorry i wasnt better to you.

im sorry im not there to make you feel safe.

im sorry i dont fee safe.
im sorry i hate it here.

im sorry for everything i shouldnt be sorry for.

im sorry i love you so much
and you dont feel the same way.

im sorry that i cried on you
and made you feel awkward.

i really need to not be so sorry.
i just really have no idea what im doing.
and i am scared.
i really really am.

Finals week

my body fucking hurts
its ahrd to believe that just 2 days ago i was happier than i had been in a long time
i saw you
and my heart stopped
i was so happy
the cold
the snow on the ground
it was right

we had a magical day
woke up
you made breakfast
we drank wine
you got high

it was a good day
a good fucking day

then i went to your play
it was fabulous.

i voted 3 times

then i got home

its amazing how something like a puddle of urine can change everything.

my cat is dieing
my mom had cancer
i hate college

MY CAT IS GOING TO DIE
MY MOTHER MAY HAVE A CANCER RELAPSE
AND I FUCKING HATE COLLEGE AND AM DOING POORLY

but somehow
i feel safe
sobbing into your chest
crying onto that sweater i wear from time to time

when you hold me
and i cry
i feel safe

etiquette is a necessity not an option.

please.
PLEASE
just use manners

sometimes
it kills me
when you sneeze
and dont cover your mouth
when you sniffle instead of just blowing your nose
when you slurp your soda and soup
when you cram food in your mouth in a way that makes you look like you are unhinging your jaw.

i know i am not the most well mannered person
i fucking know that

but at least i dont talk about useless shit
i dont pretend to know what i am talking about when i dont

i am pretentious.
but i am not so pretentious and pompous that i cant admit failure
or that life sucks

SO STOP FUCKING BITING YOUR NAILS
AND SMACKING YOUR LIPS
AND LAUGHING INAPPROPRIATELY LOUD
AND CHEWING YOUR GUM LIKE A GOD DAMN FUCKING COW EATING GRASS

i may pull a chicago... "i swear if you POP that gum ONE MORE TIME...."

so please keep in mind
manners are everything unless you are alone
and even then, you should use them

because you are disgusting
etiquette is a necessity not an option.

stains stains stains

stains on the sheets
stains on my clothes
on my jacket
on my skin

your voices tear at my ears.
your voice is like nails on a chalkboard
ripping my ears.

your trash is invading
now i have alot of stuff spread out

but its papers i use
books
clothes

yours are empty cans
packaging from food and sweets
old coffee cups

its invading
and creating stains
in my space
the smell stains my nose
stains stains stains

only way to get them out is to scrub

but there is nothing strong enough to get them out,
because you put them back in.

thank god its almost time to leave
i need a fucking break
from all these stains.

i guess these are poems

i sit here and i do these blog posts
but i never know what the are
i suppose they are poems
because they get out everything i have to say
with out saying much at all

plus there is the way they are broken

completely terrible.

i see people i could be friends with
people i have met.

i think about traveling

i want to be in germany
or ireland
or scotland
or london
or even birmingham!

i would kill to travel to all 50 states.
i wish i wasnt here
i really dont like school

but i will do it
because i dont want to let my family down
or my friends

because i am fucking smart
but im also pretty dumb.

i look around i see people who are sure of themselves
im sure they have fear
but it isnt written on their faces

they seem to conceal it

i need to learn to do that

but i also need to be able to show people i love them
with out putting my heart too far on the line

so i guess i will ramble
and long
and cry

and sit here
in a constant state of fear and depression.
filled with panic and anxiety attacks.

and i will write these poems
these ramblings of my mind.

that get me absolutely no where

because i am here
you are there
i need you more than you will ever need me.
im too attached.
too fucking attached.

save me.
even though i know yo cant.

so close

so close to being done
so close
so FUCKING close

i can feel it in my reach
i just need to find motivation

for school
for love
for everything

so i will sit here and watch 90's television
drink tea
and try to find my mind
try to get things done

try to find my love for something else
because so far im just disappointed.
so far this is my nightmare world

i feel like that hummingbird in the cartoon
flapping my wings and not moving.

isnt it odd how when we try to find out future,
what we are going to do, how we are going to progress
we find ourselves doing nothing

going nowhere.

im so close.

but too far away...

Excuse me,

Read. not a book
a newspaper
a magazine
a fucking current events webpage.

then join the real world

not everything is about you
just because some one is speaking doesnt mean it is to you

learn to function
to breathe
to eat
to be quiet
to use manners

i dont understand people
ever

i am so tired of everyone
of everything

and its not them
its me.

because i am relatively unhappy i assume everyone else around me should be

but that is selfish.
but i know there are others.

im sick of living in a passive aggressive world.
of people not just saying what they want

i need people to grow a thicker skin
to fucking buck up.

oh well that wont happen

im tired of being sick
im tired of not sleeping.
but i have given up even caring.

really.
i dont care
about you
about your problems
about anything
i just want to get the fuck out here

but i cant because i will be letting people down

not myself.
but my friends and family.

maybe i need medicated
or help
but we will see

this bed sucks
i can feel my back screaming.
i can feel the springs with my feet.
the sheets i have are too big.
they slide around

so i will sit here
and read the news
read some fucking current events

because i realize that knowledge is power
that if i can educate myself i wont be like you

i will use manners
and common sense.

now if you will excuse me....

cold hard cash.

im running out of money
im going to start selling things i use
i have a brand new bike.

$400.
i dont know what to do.
the world runs on money

all you need is love
BULL SHIT!

all you need is financial stability.

all you need is money.

i just cant get over anything lately

I seen to be in a rut
so stuck

i feel fine when im home
but then i am smashed back into the real world

i am torn away from any warmth i feel
the smell of cold air and wood smoke in my nose

the heat of bodies
the warm soft skin of your hand in mine

all of that is gone

i want to read dante again
i actually really liked that book

probably because the only thought in my head is
"abandon all hope ye you enter here."

its depressing.
im depressed
big fucking surprise

yet im shocked because i think i love you
and ive never liked someone for so long

but alas.
i am in a place that i feel is sucking out my mind

but there is no one here to influence me in any way.

so i will sit here
watch its always sunny in philadelphia

and pray that it was like that here

because lately i just cant get over anything

I thought...

The other day i wrote an epic post
it managed to fit all of my feelings into one
better than in anyway i had tried before
it took me an hour to do

i should have been working on my climate change paper
but that has no meaning

i remember as i sat in the library
the section that looks like an old spanish church and harvard had a child.
the sanctity of that section
is like a church

no one speaks
just the sound of the old chairs creeking
and every once and a while some one turns a page
or takes a sip of a drink too loudly

i had to sit there
sit and try to concentrate.
but i couldnt
i still cant
i remember because it was last night

i was fighting the urge to sob
to cry uncontrollably in that holy place

as i sat i sipped
the mint tea from satellite
and i had to fight the urge to scream
and cry
and just break down

but i did
i spent most of the night curled up
sobbing.

that is what college has done to me
i have always been depressed
as long as i can remember.

i have been away from home
i dont think i am homesick

i am just miserable
the utter confusion of being here
is scrambling my fucking brains

i cant focus
my stomach is constantly churning

for 2 weeks now
i feel like crap
i feel like i am going to die

i dont know what to do
i dont sleep
i dont think
i just sit
and fight the urge to cry

and i had written something wonderful
but i guess i never posted it.
and i didnt save it

and i guess i just thought
i could be happy
i could find my way
i could feel safe and warm

but i dont i guess it was all just a thought

the taste of ginger tea

as i sit here
as i do everyday
i think

i sit here and drink some lukewarm tea
ginger tea
it tastes minty and peppery

supposed to help my stomach.
we will see.

lately i have been so sick
every night for the last week and a half i have felt sick
i am so tired

i lay in the grass mid day
its a struggle to keep my eyes open
i stare into the sky
i can feel the chill of the wind
the sun slips away
im in a shadow
the cold increases

breathe in
breathe out
my ipod slips out of my pocket and shuffles

and i struggle to stay awake.

i dont know how i feel anymore
i dont know what to do

my mother says things to me that are all too true
she is willing to let me go abroad
she suggests it
she says i would be happier

probably.
but i so dont like school
even in another country
school is school

i want to get out
i want to go abroad
but i have no money

the fact that my mother
my mother who is currently paying for radiation treatments.
wants to send me abroad if it will make me happy
but it wont
i will worry so much about money
so much about everything

so i sit here
and become more depressed.
i think about next year.
i think about how this summer im going to need 2 jobs.
about how i so desperately need and want to go on a road trip
but i probably wont be able to

so i plan them.

but at the end of the day
i just sit here
in my bed
alone most of the time
and i cry.
i think about what i need to do
and how i want to succeed
and it depresses me
everything around here does

so tonight i will sit here
watch shitty tv
and drink ginger tea
the spicy taste of pepper and ginger
of mint and lemon
the lukewarm slowly cooling
not completely with out comfort
tea.

when really
i want to be drinking this tea
in my bed
with my cat,
curled around several different childrens books.
safe
warm
sure of what i should do.
for once i want to feel secure.

but where is the reality in that?

care package

as i walked into the mail room today
i didnt know what to expect
nothing i suppose.
ive been running on roughly 5 hours of sleep
and am in a generally depressed and crappy mood lately.

but i had a package
from my mother

ive been really sick the last week and i didnt know what to expect.

i open it
there are 3 types of tea
ginger candy. a magazine
corn bread
red chile
broth cubes
thanksgiving decorations i will never use.
a magazine
old cookies
and a roll of life savers.

i dont like life savers.
plus i know they have been in my moms drawer for years.
i gave them to her.

i reach in the box and take them out.
so many things rush into my mind

first- i really dont like life savers that much
second- i begin to sob
my mother knows i dont like life savers
this is her way of saying everything is going to get better
so i sit on my bed
crying
holding a roll of old life savers.

i know my mother loves me.
i know she does
otherwise she wouldnt even bother sending me a package
let alone one with things i will never use but she knows i will like

i need a life saver
like the kind on a ship.
i constantly feel like im just treading water. waiting for hypothermia to kick in.
i need some one to throw the fucking floatation device
and save me
but that wont happen

im a big girl
i need to save myself.
and i am learning to swim.

so im going to sit here
on my bed
clutching an old roll of broken hard candy
a card thats just signed XOXO mom
and some cheap foam thanksgiving decorations.

and i am going to cry.
not because i am helpless and sad.
but because i feel loved
and i feel like i can start to swim.

its odd how even when i feel like i am in an endless tunnel,
there is something that gives a flicker of light.

you are pretty worthless

i must say
the things we say
the things we do

we started with pick up lines
then went on to weather
i do not want to be a booty call
so when you texted me
saying you wanted me to talk dirty to you
to fucking tell you dirty things
send you pics

i panicked
i cant be like that
i dont like you

i panicked
i told you i was dating one of my best friends
the one that is like a brother

not because i want to be with him
but because i dont want to be in a dirty situation with you

as much as i hate to admit it i am quite innocent
quite old fashioned

i am the kind of person that just wants someone to snuggle
i am the person that watches south park on friday nights instead of going out.

i am the person who thinks one night stands arent a good way to boost your ego.

i am the person that is desperate
but not so desperate as to tell you about having to clean myself up after a one night stand
in vain hopes that i can get with you.

i am the girl that is never wanted.
never needed
and i have sadly become accustomed to it.

so i will sit here
watch tv
sew my buttons back on my coat
fix my bra
and wallow

in self hate
in the fact that i have no idea where my life is going

in the fact that i am jealous of someone i shouldnt be jealous of.

in the fact that i am completely in love with someone i can never ever have.
someone that i can hold hands with and watch spongebob
someone that thinks me and my cat are precious
even though she smells
and her coat isnt what it used to be

someone who will say the strangest things
and not realize it
but im pretty sure he does.

and here i am.
rambling
about things i can never have.
things i will never get
because i know
KNOW
that you dont feel the same way.

but oh well.

there are few people that i feel are worthless
but there are a few
a certain few
that are.

this is for you
you worthless mother fuckers

because somehow in my sad way i know i still have dignity
i still have my mind
and my innocence.

but deep down
i am worthless

im running out of wit

i suppose there will always be a part of my heart for you
a part that beats and throbs
i can never get my head around it.

as we drove down the highway, cold air in my face
the setting sun glinted gold off the mesas
it caught my hair, blurred my vision
meaningless billboards posted everywhere
one says "home sweet home"
well fuck that.

home is not here
not where i was going that day
not where i am now.

who am i kidding
that rich hell pit will always be home
its like a drug
so addicting

but you hate to use
to have it
to need it
to want it.

i sit here
alone
in this god damn dorm
sick as a dog
i feel better tonight
i want to run
to be free
to scream at the top of my lungs

i want to fuck shit up
i want to crush the ever present establishment
the way people think
the way everyone sees things

i want there to be logic
to be a god damn thought in everyones head
not just about school or personal issues

but about our society and how we are effecting it
how we can change things for the better.

then i have to tell you one thing
and do another
its so fucking contradictory

then there are the idiots of everyday
the ones who dont fucking realize that no matter what
our dreams are always dreams

as much as we want to be famous
it wont happen
it wont happen
IT WONT FUCKING HAPPEN!!!!

i want to follow my dreams
but i need to follow what my family wants me to do
i need to set aside all that i want for others
because even though people say that they will support you no matter what
they are liars
people lie

underneath it all
you need to make everyone around you happy before you can be

and i will never understand that
i want you
i want to get out of here
i want you to be happy.

but somehow
i know it wont happen

so im going to fall into the line

however
i plan on fucking shit up
i plan on making everyone think

and no number of scheduling conflicts can make these plans change
because they will not bend

fuck you
fuck this
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

im going to get what i want
what i need
but i guess it will take time
and its just ticking by
ticking ticking ticking.

Today

Today was eye opening.
its my birthday
i have been alive for 19 years
but i dont feel like i have accomplished anything

it was a good day
today the weather was amazing
so cold
but so good

it snowed
i loved it

i received alot of calls
alot of advice
alot of propositions

do i stay here?
or do i go to denver?
do i go to santa fe?

what to do.

i want something
something new
something ive never done
time to live on my own

which will end up happening
because my grades are shit
so my scholarships will be over

i cant afford anything else

today
was a good day
enlightening
visual

covered in hot sauce
ate some delicious wings
listening to an amazing mix
made with love
and true thought

makes me feel loved

thinking about the train rides of the summer
with my best friend
in a place i love
eating jaffa cakes
drinking cider
magners and strongbow
drinking good beer
Stella and Cobra

there are so many directions i could take

i have alot of thinking to do
alot of things to accomplish

i am a year older
another year i have lived

today, i am truly grateful
for my family
for my friends
they help me through so much
they sit on my floor
smoke weed
drink
love me
hold me
make me amazing 8track mixes online
go get food with me when i dont go to my classes.

today is my birthday

today am i alive

today i will think
and be grateful for all i have

today. is today.

today... belongs to me.

today my outlook has changed.
i need to be more positive

today i will follow the teachings of Yogi Bhajan
Healthy am I. Happy am I. Holy am I.

those are debatable
but today I feel that way.

amazing how realizing you have survived as long as you have can change your outlook.

today
was a good day
it had so much to give

Today....

physical vs. emotional

i walk out into the cold night
the air reeks of bud
i see 3 kids sitting in the dip of the hills
i see a torch

smoke rises.
they hear me rummaging in my pockets for a pen and a lighter.
they get up
they leave

so i sit here
plugged into my ipod
scratching away at a small black notebook
i sketch the trashcan
it has a flower and an arm coming out of it
"one mans trash is another mans treasure" i think

so i sit here
smoke furling up
one singular stream
only to disperse

i look around me
there is no one

i could very possibly run away
i could pack up my things
get the hell out

go home
figure my shit out
why the fuck do i hate it here
why is THIS certain place
so desolate
so miserable

i watch people come and go
in and out the huge turquoise metal doors
like a prison

so i sit here
completely human
i let emotion take hold
i want to leave
to run
run
run
RUN!
i just want to leave
be comfortable
its not human comfort, its finding where i am comfortable
making a place my home
i need to get away from here

no where specific
just sure as hell
NOT HERE

then i think
how am i so sure i cant be happy here
if i go somewhere else
would i really be happy?

after all
"home is where the heart is"
so what makes a place home?
certainly not here
but my heart is here
in my chest
i feel it beat

so then what is heart?
is it love
passion
courage
drive
my family?

beyond all what is comfort?
is it material goods?
is it being happy?

what is happiness?
its an impossible goal
i cant see it
i cant feel it fully

am i ever going to be happy?

that is a course i would take

HAPPINESS 101

sign me up.

so where do we begin and our emotions begin?
isnt there logic in this?
scientific fact on what i can do?

i wish i could just flip a coin and find my future
i didnt have to worry about deciding

so what is comfort?
what is happiness?
what is heart?

is it all just emotional or physical?

we are all just human after all....

really now?

i think im going to be sick

that is disgusting

im glad i got there first

im glad you are lowering standards

maybe now i have a real shot

dont get me wrong

you are both amazing people

but really

REALLY?!

you are ridiculous

i hate this town

i can feel my life draining

i cant make friends

i have forgotten

and it hurts

it hurts to see people having fun

laughing over real things

over new inside jokes

with new people

how the fuck am i supposed to do that

they should make a new friends guide for dummies

the people i miss

most likely do not miss me back

i know of a few that do

but i can never be sure

the people i love

rarely love me back

i hate the insecurity i am feeling

i hate this

i should seek help

i wont

i refuse

i would rather sit here and think about you and her

im glad to hear you vomited

im glad you were smashed

it makes me have faith that you are not a pig

that you have some morals

but at the same time

it makes me feel lost

thrown out to sea

so im going to sit here

and learn to have hate in my heart

and plan a trip that will never happen

why?

because i need to have hope

but i need to be a fucking pessimist

i need to have hate for you in my heart

so that when you leave

and i dont hear from you for years

so that after you say we will be friends forever

i wont be crushed when we arent

but currently all i can think is

REALLY?!

REALLY?!?!?!?!

REALLY REALLY REALLY?!?!?!

yes.

fucking really.

stuck in a rut

YES!

im depressed

i hate school

i dont know what im doing

i love this cold weather.

i am confused out of my head.

i wish i had a job

i wish i didnt have to go to school

maybe i wont anymore

but i would be letting people down

my friends

my family

maybe even myself

im tired of being sick.

im tired of always being tired.

i wish i could just stop where i am

move somewhere

maybe to seattle

live in an apartment

i envy my friends that do nothing

even though im sure they loathe it.

i wish i had that kind of freedom

but i guess it could also be a cage....

lately i just feel stuck

im having trouble finding comfort in music

in my life

in a cup of coffee

in tea

in anything

no comfort.

i look into the mirror

i cant look in my own eyes

i will just see disappointment.

im so stuck

so so so so so

stuck.

the environment

Everything around us is constantly changing.

everyday more and more CO2 is released into the atmosphere

creating green house gases

causing our O-Zone to thin

meaning that the world as we know it is dying

yeah this is crazy

no im not a god damn hippy

and i dont care that much

but i care enough

because this affects all of us

with our precious cars

our super processed foods.

Fuck this recession

renewable resources are the way to go

open up more car factories making fuel cells.

i should be making a questionaire for how i feel about climate change

and a research paper

fuck that

its cold outside

i want you here

to wrap your arms around me

to curl up in my small

pathetic

twin sized bed

but it would be worth it.

i wish that i could say everything i ever thought to you.

like that i never want to be away from you.

that you light up my day.

that i will with you forever.

i feel so creepy saying things like that

i feel like a stalker.

but i cant remember how to make friends

i can remember how to be nice

i can be nice to you.

the day is cold

our room is at least 50 degrees Farenheit

far warmer than space, which is around 3 Kelvin

thats -270 degrees celcius

thats how i feel

like i am out in space

i wish i was

the complete calm

the floating

looking at the world

to imagine that there arent massive genocides

that there are pollution problems

that there arent billions of people starving in the streets

that humans arent destroying everything beautiful.

ignore ignore ignore

maybe darwin was right

sit and smoke

small black dogs run around

one is very pregnant

tits on the ground.

the crack head behind me mumbles to herself

something to me about cigs and inspecting them

i have no idea what goes on in her head

i never will.

this city steals souls and i can see it happening.

we have started to call this place home.

but it never will be.

no where can be a home.

until the feeling of complete comfort is here

i am so uncomfortable here

so bad

this city smells

like hate

like pain

like constant greed

like drugs

like the struggle to survive

the dog has a blue collar

it looks at me with big longing eyes

it wants to be loved

wants to be needed

every person is like a good dog

completely loyal

willing to protect the people it loves

i wish i had people like that here

but no

all my people are gone somewhere else

they are miles and miles away.

so i sit here

i feel alone

i lie on my projects.

i do everything i can to try and not feel

lonely

depressed

its true when we jokingly say we dont laugh here

we laugh when something funny happens

but its always funny becuase it causes us pain and we realize it.

its ridiculous.

i need to get my shit together

i need to have the will to survive

but im no competitor

i am a whimp

survival of the fittest

will i survuve?

What am I doing here?!

I have no idea what I am doing here.

If I am making the right choices for myself

Lately it seems that this place is not for me.

I just want to be where you are.

I don’t mean it in a creepy way,

But I am in love with you

In everyway

Except romantically.

You are my best friend

I didn’t mean to get that drunk

And kiss you.

In all fairness you started it

When I stuck my tongue out at you in that crowded kitchen

Where you were leaned against the stove and I stuck my tongue out

Hugged you

And you kissed me.

I was caught off guard.

I like that it continued.

But now I am far away

But I can still feel your hand on my leg

While we watched that movie with seth rogen and that blonde girl

Where they make a porn

And you looked at me and said
“this is us!”
then the two characters admitted that they loved each other

I didn’t know what to say.

I can still feel your breath on my neck as I got into the car.

I can feel the warm hugs I received.

I want to be around you until I am old. And I die

I don’t want to be here in this hell hole

Shit pit

Stinking filth of a city.

I am depressed here.
but all that is in my head is her saying

“I hope one day you guys find out that you are madly in love”
“I hope you guys end up together forever.”

but oh dreams are but dreams.

And even then one cant be sure if they are real

Or the right choice

Like college

Like making a living

Like staying here

What the hell is in my head

I need to get out of it

I need to travel the world.

Life is too short for me to stay cooped up here.

But I will

Because I have to make my family proud

And so I will suffer

And become more and more depressed

In a pit

Through my head the question constantly rings

“WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?!”
and so I will ask myself

What am I doing here?!

The day is mine

So sick

my stomach knots

my hands sweat

everything hurts

but guess what this aint tucson

this is hell

i need all my blankets but grow too hot

this life is too short to spend so much time feeling like death

feeling like at any moment life is going to be ripped away.

and i am confused.

i will be for days.

the day is mine.

to waste

to kill

to savor

to do whatever i please

today i must research climate change

read about the stars

and pray that i survive.

today, the day is mine.

i suppose

the weather is far too nice

to be sitting in a class room

learning about plate techtonics and large scale earthquakes

its impossible to imagine mass graves

millions dead

and the earth bending beneath millions of tons of pressure

on a day like this

there is a willow tree outside

swaying and leaning in the wind.

wood chips at its base.

there are people that could be my friend

somewhere in this city

ive heard this city can steal your soul

that if you are here for too long life becomes different

useless.

but i suppose i should just go outside

sit and smoke

enjoy my day.

fuck plate techtonics

i wonder if we could just have class outside...

but i suppose thats not possible...

i suppose...