expectations

please
tell me that you
didnt just ask me
to move there because
i would
In a heartbeat
and that isn't good.

"We need to find you a man friend"
she says
I laugh and say
"I KNOW RIGHT!"
because I do.
I know.
I want one.
but
It is much harder than you think.

our friends are so in love
and it is so strange to me
to think
"What if they make it? what if they do get married?"
so strange.
but so possible.

Being alone
and growing up
are hard.
But they need to happen.
so please
dont tell me
to move there
because I cant
you know that
I love you more than anyone else
and that needs to stop.
because I know you don't feel the same way.
I need to see you again.
to let you hold me.
So I can know if this is real.
but I know it's not

I am not that pretty
I am so average.
You are so not average.

There are just too many expectations
That I dont know.

I need to dye my hair
everyday I
look in the mirror and say that
to my brown eyes
maybe they are hazel
the green and grey sinks into the brown
I need to see the world
to run free
to breathe the cold air
to see snow fall
somewhere that isn't here

Home is where the heart is they say
I think that
as I sit in my room
fan full blast
the cold air shakes my skin
The sound of a distant train

Home is where the fucking heart is
too bad
my heart isn't here

A plane flys overhead
low and loud
I can hear the turbines
I wish I could run out of here
and go to find my heart.

If it had a phone
I would call it
and leave a billion different messages
hoping it would call back
but I have a feeling that
the heart must be hunted for

If only I knew how.

I need to dye my hair
I look into the mirror
there are lines in my face
they don’t exist.

I only wish that
I had some idea of what to do
and how to squash the wanderlust in my heart
but I know I cant

an infant can’t tame a lion.

blue painters tape runs along the edges of all
the paper on my walls
i leave the window open
and nestle into my blankets
the cold air rushes in
sweeping at my face and hair
I am shivering

I leave the window open
the cold reminds me that I can feel
some emotion that isn't this sinking depression
it gets better
but when?

i paint my nails red
I will only pick at the paint
I only chew my nails when I am anxious
or upset
and as i pick at the red polish
i have the urge to just
pull my nails right off
and see the red glistening flesh underneath

the pain
to remind me i can feel
I want to tear off all my clothes and
rip out all my hair and
lay naked in the street and
pray that someone will see me because
i feel so invisible lately

but I dont have the motivation to fight for attention
i barely have the motivation to bathe or
eat or
put on real clothes but
all my clothes are dirty or full of holes

so i just lay in bed
with the window open
so i can smell the leaves and wood smoke
mingled with weed and cigarette smoke
I just lay here and think
about moving somewhere
living somewhere else

"We should start playing the lottery" you say
"If I had a million dollars I would do so many things"
I dont know if I would.
I would probably move
then find some menial job to occupy myself
because really
there is only so much I would do with a million dollars....

I need to get out of this funk....
with blue tape
and no motivation

Things are about to get graphic (not kidding)

nervous hands
nervous eyes
shaky breaths
eyes lock
drunken mouths
are more fun
when it's between friends
because really
i always wonder
if we had the same feelings
what would happen.
skin crashing into skin
hot breaths and sweat mingle
noses touch
finger cling
I want to claw at your flesh
I want to feel your nails dig into my back

I would fuck you
in the back of a fucking volkswagon.

Dragging on the floor
running through my mind
hands and feet on
the cold, cold ground
I yelled at the top of my lungs
and you looked over at me and smiled
sweat dripping off
both of our gleaming faces
so that all we could see was
above the crowd
and to each other
you touched my arm and looked in my eyes
and I knew
as i dragged my feet across the cold
hard pavement
breathing in the cold air
your hands were
running through my mind.

You run around
looking for your black sketch book
I want to ask if you have seen mine
small
hardcover
it has my health insurance card inside
i need that

I sit at the table
the wind outside howls
the sky is grey
i look down to see a baby's foot on the cover of a pamphlet
soft, pink, warm.
"watch me grow"
I look up into her eyes
and I watch her heart break

I look down then up
she looks away
and walks to her room

I look out the window.
I hear his voice
I throw the window open into the wind
and I fucking laugh like I have never laughed before.

The cold air stings
I think about standing in the rain
wind ripping at my skin
and I feel so trapped here.

what the fuck

Have you seen my voice?

I dont know how to say this
because I can't get the words out of my mouth
they are welling up in me
in my brain
flowing
ripping me apart

I am absolutely miserable here.
miserable
depressed
i can't even bring myself to do simple tasks.

I don't want to leave the house
I just want to cook
and drink tea

I want to smoke cigarettes
and sleep the day away

I want to look out my window
and see something fantastic
even if it is just a park
or another building

I don't want to see rundown buildings
a discarded blanket
broken glass

I want to live somewhere
that I feel safe

because here
I can't
riding the bus is hard for me
riding the tube is a breeze.

I am so scared
of everything
and it is completely childish
and I can not wait
for next semester
because I can be free
to get a job
to take what I want to take.

I just wish growing up wasn't so hard
but then again
I have had to be grown up for a long time

I just have never felt so alone
and I dont know how to say it
I just
can't

Because when I try and figure it out
tears well up
the wind blows
my ears ring
and my gut clenches.

it is honestly tearing me apart

but how can you tell those you love
that you don't love yourself
and that you can't do what they are so proud of you for
that you are miserable....

speaking up
is a hell of a lot harder
than growing up.

it has a nice ring to it

pffff

i try and keep it classy

you have a cute nose
i like your scruff
i like your voice
i'm sure yours is fine
fine?
yeah fine
stop biting your lip
god you're cute
i didnt even wear make up today

forward? forward what?
forward thinker, its my brothers shirt. what does yours say
against me. its a band. i went to their show.
god you are cute when you make that face
what face
stop biting your lip!!!
pff
pffffffffff
ppppppffffff
P P P F F F F F F F F F F

well then
you are cute
you really need those glasses dont you?
you need to get your webcam fixed
no. you are pretty
and you are attractive. get some confidence!
i have plenty

why do you think im cute? i am not that attractive...

stop biting your lip!
stop looking at me like that
why?


i would give an arm for you
which one do you want
right or left

stop biting your lip
sorry i just do that
oh that look
what look?
that look

(What is this?
I dont even have make up on...
I dont even know if i brushed my hair earlier...
yet this kid from Galway is very interested in me....
I am flattered.
but confused.
...)

i know i know i know its not about me

is it possible
i am so infatuated with you
with your words
with your voice
i don't even know you
it's not an obsession
its a curiosity
i want to spend time with you
figure you out
i want to know how your mind works
"i want nothing more than the sounds of you breathless"
you are so far away
5003 miles
8052 kilometers
4348 nautical miles
this could never be
so why do i care so much?
why am i putting stock in it?
maybe by some act of God this would happen
the lights are so bright
turn them down
I want nothing more
than the sounds
of you
breathless.
because from so far away
you make me breathless.

I'm just naturally sad I think.

That must be it.
because there is no reason for me to feel the way I do.
I write these poems in my notebooks then forget about them. I do
I do
I do
I do not know why
because i have to put pen to paper.
I wrote one today
in class.
there is only so much i can learn about Australopithecus
i cant even spell it half the time.
what am i doing anymore....

I hate no motivation
to do anything
ever
at all
I am not depressed
im just bored.
is is possible to have nothing interest me?
hmmm
oh well.
i need to get a fucking job.

An ode to Sophie Scholl

She was executed the same day she had her trial
"If you have any farewell letters, I would write them now" said her nurse
She didn't know she was going to die.
Imagine... You were sitting, writing anti-hitler flyers
then you are in jail, finding out you are about to die.

That must have been the hardest part.
but you had your faith
I wish I had that
You had such convictions
Ready to die for those you loved,
for your cause
you are a rebel
you had the right ideas.
you, Christof Probst, Alex Schmorell, and Willi Graff
had the right idea
such
conviction

Wir kämpfen mit Worten
Nous luttons avec les mots
Мы боремся за словами
We fight with words

Die Sonne scheint noch

Es lebe die Freiheit

and utter, piercing silence

those were your last words

I can only hope that there is a time when I can die for my friends, the people I love, and a just cause.

I hope I can live with so little hate in my heart.

The long black hairs on your head
fall all over the floor
crawling into my space
like long thin worms

your long thin personality
one sided
rarely genuine
i can not deal with that

so I will let the worms find their way
all over my clothes
my bed
my body
until the day you move out
and take the long black worms with you

I dont fucking know anymore
I miss your stupid fucking face
and I know that we are going to grow apart
and it really honestly breaks my heart
I am about to be living in an even more unstable environment
and i wont be able to see your face
or hold your hand
or hold you

I am reading harry potter
and the fact that i am going to bawl like a baby doesnt help
because the deathly hallows will break me
and i wont even be able to see your mother fucking face
because i know you
and you know me

and i dont even know

i hope things hurry up
because all the anxiety and suspense
is killing me

its not my fault

its not my fault that
you are a stupid bitch
you are rude
you are impatient
your car is unsafe

i am getting sick
i wish i wasnt
but i dont give a fuck

i dont want to be around anyone
i dont want to be stuck in a car

i want to write you a check

so i wont feel guilty.

i just want to be alone

the rain is soothing

i hope it cools down

i want to read harry potter

its not my fault...
not
my
fault

but it is.
because im a reclusive person
because i want friends that will last

because i miss that stupid fucking face
i wish that you could hear this rain
and hold me

because i want to cry

ITS NOT MY FAULT YOU ARE UNBEARABLE!
i feel guilty
oh my

Sometimes

I sincerely hate everyone
sometimes
i want to vomit in a cup
and throw it in their faces

Sometimes
I want to run the fuck away
and start over

Sometimes
I wish life was harder
but then i realize it already is

sometimes.....

My thoughts scare me
and I become a recluse

I wish you were here.
no.
I wish i was there

The rain
the humidity
the people
the life

I love it.

I want to move

One of my friends once told me
"sometimes you just have to make yourself really uncomfortable and you will succeed."

maybe i will try that.

If this is foreshadowing
i dont want it
i will leave
because its not fair
not to me
i want to share a special moment
with the people i love
and now
that
is
ruined
how does it feel
to get all that you want
and never have to deal with yourself?
how does it feel
because while i am here
tears of rage streaming down my hot face
you are forced to think about how comfortable and happy you will be
while i
will be alone
in a place i cant call home
because i dont think i will be able to find it
i just want that small piece
of happy dream i had in my head
the image of how the night would go
but now
i am going to be forced into the corner.
what ever
you win for now.
but no one
NO ONE
puts baby in the corner.

hey!

HEY
HEY
HEY
HEY!
FUCKING
HEY!
I NEED PEOPLE TO STOP FUCKING FORGETTING ABOUT ME!
BECAUSE I AM A DECENT PERSON
AND I
JUST
WANT
TO
FEEL
FUCKING NEEDED!
HEY!
IM GLAD
THAT
YOU ARE ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS
BECAUSE OTHERWISE
I would be madder than i actually am
im just kinda sad that you forgot me
but its a regular part of my life i guess
hey
cheer up
hey hey
hey

Freud and I would be BFF's!

Because i am a bitch
watching you struggle to fit into your clothes from last semester
is the closest i get to going to the movies
so i will play lady gaga
and watch you stare at yourself, and struggle
while i manage to find my pants becoming baggy
and the extra large shirts from the gap
are a bit too big.
because im a bitch
i am going to laugh at you
because you are the dumbest, craziest, most DISGUSTING person i have ever met
i mean im really just studying your behavior.
Sigmund Freud would LOVE to be here with me.
Oh the things we could talk about…
The reason you eat like a fucking starved animal
why you are so fucking self centered.
why you blame everyone else for your problems
why you are so neurotic.
We could write a book.
but no one would buy it
want to know why?
you only do this shit
because
YOU ARE A SPOILED BRAT!
FUCKING SPOILED!
You ahe never had to do anything right because your parents didnt give a shit.
THERE!
HAHAHA!
Freud wouldn't agree, but i think he would be proud with my diagnosis.

i am
slowly
slowly
slowly
circling
drowning
in this stress
that i have created.
and i dont know
what the fuck
i am going to do

so instead of doing what i should
i slack off
and disappoint myself
my parents
my family
everyone

but i feel better when im not in school
maybe next year i will take off
just work
because i want to learn
but i want to live
and
spending huge sums
arent helping
because im not doing shit

so
i write this
instead of writing about
vietnam
war literature
the war front coming home

am i slowly drowning
yes
i am
circling
the
fucking
drain

because i cant
do school
i fucking cant.

i want to
but somehow.
this shit aint workin

i just want
to have a job
make money
then sit in a golf cart
drink beer
and be rambunctious

ahhh
sweet
disdaining
failure
it burns
my eyes
my ears
my nose

my life is just starting
but i just
want
to be somewhere else

but then
what if somewhere
is just like here
and i just dream of other places?

i just sit and stare at the faces of people passing
in another place
and think the same things?

what kind of life is that
what kind of life is this?

and so
i circle
and drown
and spin
and fail.

fuck

its too loud
its too early
i am too tired

i love you
too much.

i cant wait to see you
so much
too much
i miss you too much

and i cant believe
you had sex with her
she said it was terrible.

but i dont care
i still love you
too much.

oh monday

oh monday
you have so much potential
but really
you are just the begining
of something that is going to be useless to me

i hate classes
i hate that this room
smells like a fucking barn

because you are disgusting
yes i am messy

but i take my trash out
i dont let dishes sit for months.

you are disgusting.

and it is only mother fucking monday

oh monday
fuck you

my will to stay in this construct is dwindling.

this is what 4 hours of sleep looks like
with out being able to nap
with a raging headache
with your lack of modesty
with my temper growing shorter
and my brain
shutting down

this is what 4 hours of sleep
a baby shower
too much nicotine
and girls yelling in the hall

this is what 4 hours of sleep
depression
regret
fear
lonelyness

this is what 4 hours of sleep
fucking
looks like

my face
i want to curl up
and get
4x4x4x4x4x4x4 hours of sleep
with you
because

i am
what FOUR FUCKING HOURS
of restless sleep looks like

Disclaimer

I am not a person who gets mad easily
however
i do have a fairly week stomach
and the fact that you are eating at 1:20 AM
pisses me off
your microwave rice
smells like urine
your lip smacking noises make me nauseated.
oh and your DISGUSTING sniffle.
BLOW YOUR NOSE!

OH!
and there is the fact that you havent realized
that you need to turn the key to get into our room
the door wont magically open
and every EVERY time you come in
it sounds like someone breaking down the door

and may i add
i am NOT an angry person
it takes alot
and you
are
on
my
very
VERY
last
GOD DAMN
FUCKING
NERVES
SO
FUCKING
BLOW YOUR NOSE
AND DRINK SOME WATER
because i have had it

and then dont act all indignant
when i ask you to open the window if you are going to paint your nails
because
that shit
SMELLS
and your rice
SMELLS
and i do not want to have a headache.
i have so much to do

now.
get your hands out of your mouth
and
BLOW YOUR FUCKING NOSE
and just
maybe
maybe
maybe
try
and have manners
because
its 1:20 am
and
i am not someone who gets angry very easily....

you arent fucking 4

so grow up
put on your fucking big girl panties
its not hard to be nice
its only hard to be nice
if
you convince yourself you hate the person
you are a self centered jerk
you have money and
will never have to live with out
mommy and daddy

well grow up
this is life
yes you will always have security

but not all of us do
i understand your opinion
i just think that
you need to look through another persons eyes
through the looking glass

so stop pacing
and huffing
and
throwing your fucking temper tantrum
because

YOU ARE 19!
YOU ARE AN ADULT!
YOU ARE NOT FUCKING 4!

so get over it
and help those in need
because
somehow
i dont think you will very often....

thoughts thoughts thoughts. and south park.

as if i wasnt already
lonely enough
lately i keep thinking
of you

and how it will be
when you move away
and make new friends

and you
forget about
little old me

and how
we used to do
stupid crap in
your sun room

and your mom
knew about all of it

so instead of thinking
and continuing to
depress my self

i will watch south park

and do laundry

and get on with my life
because
i am lonely
and i miss you

i wish i could bury myself
in school work
in chores
in everything

unfortunately
thinking is all i do
too bad
its about you

i wish i could have a tea party
with my stuffed animals
like mother fucking eric cartman.

a hint of nostalgia

i remember
when i was a sophmore
and you were a junior
and we went to colorado for school
and i thought you were cute

then we had
that stupid
leadership group
and you smashed a board
and i showed up to
sell shirts
and see you play
because you
were the best

i must admit i hadnt thought of you
until now
seeing pictures of you
in uniform
i still think you are cute

but not as much as i used to

so i think everyone
loves a man in uniform.

i think

i will find one
but really

i just want to be out

seeing the world

looking at everything

with just the bare necessity’s

i am envious

of the people who can do that everyday.
and just be happy

thinking about what i want
or what i could do
makes me think of when i
was happy.

it gives me
a hint of nostalgia

enough to
drive
me
crazy

mess

waking up
is painful
my stomach is in knots
my mobile phone is destroyed.

as i leave i stumble to find my slippers.
when i come back in the air
is so thick i choke
the rank odor
of the 2 things
sleep
and people
its nauseating.

all i can do is say
god…
its stuffy in here
and open the window

so that maybe, just maybe
the room will clear.
my mind will clear.

math may not be an option today….
to much is all crammed up in my mind.

too much

life is such a
god
damn
fucking

MESS!

completely... everything

i am completely
drained
unmotivated
depressed
pessimistic
annoyed
sick
feeling unwanted
everything

and yet i am also
hopeful
optimistic

yet the rain outside mirrors my mood
its cold
wet
tired

and yet
all i am is drained

oh and its not even the first day back
but i know this semester is going to be a good one
i just hope
you decide how much
you mean to me
and how much i mean to you

because so far
i feel like
completely everything

hear the thunder?

they say lightning never strikes twice in the same place
i sure hope not
because i am feeling optimistic.
about everything
well
almost.
because lightning never strikes twice in the same place

so i will not be struck down
i will succeed.
its amazing how
2 simple things
i have heard before
can strike so deep

because i am loved.
and optimistic
so tell me?
can you hear the thunder?

having a nervy b....

Panic
is not an emotion i want
not one i can deal with
but at the moment
thats all i can do

because i dont want to leave.
I really think this semester will be better,
i can only pray it will be

because last semester was a huge panic attack
and i didnt do anything.

and i cant sleep
because i am beginning to think
about
life
and school
and the panic

panic
it consumes me
i have anxiety problems...
its obvious
by now

because of this mini break down
this so called nervy b

and there is panic.

Ich bin ein wenig betrunken

because i just finished off a bottle
and i need to clean
and i still like you
and i am not going to compete

because im not a skank
and im not that attractive

so i drink during the day
and then not when im with you
because i dont want to be jealous

and i want to be able to leave
i want to be able to feel and run

Ich bin ein wenig betrunken

ra ra ra ah ah

roma ro ma ma
because thats all it is
is a catchy tune
that i sing
and think about you
and how im creepin and just thinking.
but i guess the situation is that someone is always too old. or too young.
but i like you...

and i mean there is no where else to go
so i will creep..
and think about lady gaga
and how i hate how pretentious she is
but how i like her catchy songs and how her fashion decisions turn heads.

you are my tune.
talk to me.
tell me about you
while i sit and stare and say something stupid.

gaga oolala
want your bad romance....