Have you seen my voice?

I dont know how to say this
because I can't get the words out of my mouth
they are welling up in me
in my brain
flowing
ripping me apart

I am absolutely miserable here.
miserable
depressed
i can't even bring myself to do simple tasks.

I don't want to leave the house
I just want to cook
and drink tea

I want to smoke cigarettes
and sleep the day away

I want to look out my window
and see something fantastic
even if it is just a park
or another building

I don't want to see rundown buildings
a discarded blanket
broken glass

I want to live somewhere
that I feel safe

because here
I can't
riding the bus is hard for me
riding the tube is a breeze.

I am so scared
of everything
and it is completely childish
and I can not wait
for next semester
because I can be free
to get a job
to take what I want to take.

I just wish growing up wasn't so hard
but then again
I have had to be grown up for a long time

I just have never felt so alone
and I dont know how to say it
I just
can't

Because when I try and figure it out
tears well up
the wind blows
my ears ring
and my gut clenches.

it is honestly tearing me apart

but how can you tell those you love
that you don't love yourself
and that you can't do what they are so proud of you for
that you are miserable....

speaking up
is a hell of a lot harder
than growing up.