never before in my life has something been so clear.
I need to be there
I need to leave.
However,
never has something been so unsure.
I need to know that I am going for myself,
not because somewhere in my heart I hope
that you love me too.
I need to know that I can be on my own.
I need this to be real.
but maybe not with you.

the hardest thing.

saying goodbye to the boy I love isnt nearly as hard as seeing him shake his head with his bloodshot eyes
saying I love you only to see tears.
The smell of cigarettes and beer.

Nothing.
My fucking heart is breaking.

nothing should be this hard.

Fuck fuck fuck.
just no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no.

fuck
this is the hardest thing

Portland?

you make me
smile like the biggest dork
laugh
grab my head
wear sunglasses at 1am
I am going to miss you so much.
I love you, you know it.
You are making this so hard...

beer breath

I have never been more sincere than
when I leaned in to hug you and
the car started to roll as
you said "I love you" and
I said it back because
I have known you for most of my life and
I do love you.
With my entire fucking heart.

Saying goodbye wouldn't be so hard
if I didnt love you.

This

This
is my life
This
is not a sleepover
I can not go into the kitchen
pick up the phone and
call my mother to
come pick me up because
This
is my life now
I live here and
I am trying to be an adult so
the fact that I hate where I am and
what I have become I
have to stick it out because
This
is real but I
wish I could just walk into the kitchen and
call my mom and
she would pick me up and
tell me everything is going to be ok
This
is my life

hmm interesting.

I can't take it
this feeling in my chest
like a hand is squeezing my heart and
thrusting it up into my throat.
this fucking anxiety.

I don't know how
to justify anything I do anymore.
why I hate this place,
why I don't like going to school here.

I am scared
of the future...
of loosing touch.

I feel like I need a doctor
just so I can get some fucking pills because
I want to be numb
I want to be falsely happy

I want to not feel like
I am going to vomit my heart up
in one big heave
for me to catch in my hands
red
raw
pulsing.
still pumping my blood.

at least I would be able to see,
how I am alive.

this is a fucking mess

I sit here
and stare at the walls from my childhood
oh the colors they have been
peach
purple
now green and teal
I think about how I need to clean
I think about the office this room was long ago
I think about going to school somewhere that I know no one.
I think about my feet in the sand, cold air whipping my face.
I think about the city and the subway.
I think about down comforters, scarves, and fumbling hands.
I think about everything that I have set in front of me, and I want to scream,
just claw my skin.

I just want to be done with school so that I can do everything I dream of.

Life is throwing me curveballs,
I wish I had better hand eye coordination so I could bat them out of the park.

a poor excuse.

Getting sick
melting away
almost seems like
I am compensating for my
lack of tact for my
distaste for others but
I want to be around people
too bad none of those people
are here.

It really is
a poor excuse for
just really being antisocial

what is this?

I wish it was socially acceptable
to grab the faces of all the people around you and
kiss them hard on the lips so
that you could see who
to be attracted to.

the way you blow that kiss to me
the hint of loathing in your eyes.
I see through that
I know you.
You know that because I can see the way
it scares you


The fact that when I say I love you
you stop calling me panda
"I love you Jessie"

What the fuck am I suposed to say?

I wish it was ok for me to just grab your head
and say
I LOVE YOU TOO.
and just shake you as hard as I can

The way I walk into a house and am told
"I got you something"
only to turn and see you standing next to me
the way you press your face into my neck
I can smell the alcohol seeping from your pores
mingling with your body odor
I inhale,
you push your body against mine
and say
"I think I got drunk last night."
I tell you I know.
because you called me at 2am
to say sweet dreams and that you love me.
the way you talk to me
is so much different when no one else is around.


I wish...
those moments would never end.

what the fuck are we doing
what is this?

you are drunk
and walking down a street near my house and
i am worried about you but
i am so tired.
you are safe.
phone calls like this,
at 1:40AM
make me want to run outside barefoot
into your arms.
you say sweet dreams and "I love you"
and my heart melts.
I say I love you too.
Thank you for taking vodka shots for me
please
don't get hurt
or lost
or freeze
because I would be the saddest panda
Remember that I love you