Today

Today was eye opening.
its my birthday
i have been alive for 19 years
but i dont feel like i have accomplished anything

it was a good day
today the weather was amazing
so cold
but so good

it snowed
i loved it

i received alot of calls
alot of advice
alot of propositions

do i stay here?
or do i go to denver?
do i go to santa fe?

what to do.

i want something
something new
something ive never done
time to live on my own

which will end up happening
because my grades are shit
so my scholarships will be over

i cant afford anything else

today
was a good day
enlightening
visual

covered in hot sauce
ate some delicious wings
listening to an amazing mix
made with love
and true thought

makes me feel loved

thinking about the train rides of the summer
with my best friend
in a place i love
eating jaffa cakes
drinking cider
magners and strongbow
drinking good beer
Stella and Cobra

there are so many directions i could take

i have alot of thinking to do
alot of things to accomplish

i am a year older
another year i have lived

today, i am truly grateful
for my family
for my friends
they help me through so much
they sit on my floor
smoke weed
drink
love me
hold me
make me amazing 8track mixes online
go get food with me when i dont go to my classes.

today is my birthday

today am i alive

today i will think
and be grateful for all i have

today. is today.

today... belongs to me.

today my outlook has changed.
i need to be more positive

today i will follow the teachings of Yogi Bhajan
Healthy am I. Happy am I. Holy am I.

those are debatable
but today I feel that way.

amazing how realizing you have survived as long as you have can change your outlook.

today
was a good day
it had so much to give

Today....

physical vs. emotional

i walk out into the cold night
the air reeks of bud
i see 3 kids sitting in the dip of the hills
i see a torch

smoke rises.
they hear me rummaging in my pockets for a pen and a lighter.
they get up
they leave

so i sit here
plugged into my ipod
scratching away at a small black notebook
i sketch the trashcan
it has a flower and an arm coming out of it
"one mans trash is another mans treasure" i think

so i sit here
smoke furling up
one singular stream
only to disperse

i look around me
there is no one

i could very possibly run away
i could pack up my things
get the hell out

go home
figure my shit out
why the fuck do i hate it here
why is THIS certain place
so desolate
so miserable

i watch people come and go
in and out the huge turquoise metal doors
like a prison

so i sit here
completely human
i let emotion take hold
i want to leave
to run
run
run
RUN!
i just want to leave
be comfortable
its not human comfort, its finding where i am comfortable
making a place my home
i need to get away from here

no where specific
just sure as hell
NOT HERE

then i think
how am i so sure i cant be happy here
if i go somewhere else
would i really be happy?

after all
"home is where the heart is"
so what makes a place home?
certainly not here
but my heart is here
in my chest
i feel it beat

so then what is heart?
is it love
passion
courage
drive
my family?

beyond all what is comfort?
is it material goods?
is it being happy?

what is happiness?
its an impossible goal
i cant see it
i cant feel it fully

am i ever going to be happy?

that is a course i would take

HAPPINESS 101

sign me up.

so where do we begin and our emotions begin?
isnt there logic in this?
scientific fact on what i can do?

i wish i could just flip a coin and find my future
i didnt have to worry about deciding

so what is comfort?
what is happiness?
what is heart?

is it all just emotional or physical?

we are all just human after all....

really now?

i think im going to be sick

that is disgusting

im glad i got there first

im glad you are lowering standards

maybe now i have a real shot

dont get me wrong

you are both amazing people

but really

REALLY?!

you are ridiculous

i hate this town

i can feel my life draining

i cant make friends

i have forgotten

and it hurts

it hurts to see people having fun

laughing over real things

over new inside jokes

with new people

how the fuck am i supposed to do that

they should make a new friends guide for dummies

the people i miss

most likely do not miss me back

i know of a few that do

but i can never be sure

the people i love

rarely love me back

i hate the insecurity i am feeling

i hate this

i should seek help

i wont

i refuse

i would rather sit here and think about you and her

im glad to hear you vomited

im glad you were smashed

it makes me have faith that you are not a pig

that you have some morals

but at the same time

it makes me feel lost

thrown out to sea

so im going to sit here

and learn to have hate in my heart

and plan a trip that will never happen

why?

because i need to have hope

but i need to be a fucking pessimist

i need to have hate for you in my heart

so that when you leave

and i dont hear from you for years

so that after you say we will be friends forever

i wont be crushed when we arent

but currently all i can think is

REALLY?!

REALLY?!?!?!?!

REALLY REALLY REALLY?!?!?!

yes.

fucking really.

stuck in a rut

YES!

im depressed

i hate school

i dont know what im doing

i love this cold weather.

i am confused out of my head.

i wish i had a job

i wish i didnt have to go to school

maybe i wont anymore

but i would be letting people down

my friends

my family

maybe even myself

im tired of being sick.

im tired of always being tired.

i wish i could just stop where i am

move somewhere

maybe to seattle

live in an apartment

i envy my friends that do nothing

even though im sure they loathe it.

i wish i had that kind of freedom

but i guess it could also be a cage....

lately i just feel stuck

im having trouble finding comfort in music

in my life

in a cup of coffee

in tea

in anything

no comfort.

i look into the mirror

i cant look in my own eyes

i will just see disappointment.

im so stuck

so so so so so

stuck.

the environment

Everything around us is constantly changing.

everyday more and more CO2 is released into the atmosphere

creating green house gases

causing our O-Zone to thin

meaning that the world as we know it is dying

yeah this is crazy

no im not a god damn hippy

and i dont care that much

but i care enough

because this affects all of us

with our precious cars

our super processed foods.

Fuck this recession

renewable resources are the way to go

open up more car factories making fuel cells.

i should be making a questionaire for how i feel about climate change

and a research paper

fuck that

its cold outside

i want you here

to wrap your arms around me

to curl up in my small

pathetic

twin sized bed

but it would be worth it.

i wish that i could say everything i ever thought to you.

like that i never want to be away from you.

that you light up my day.

that i will with you forever.

i feel so creepy saying things like that

i feel like a stalker.

but i cant remember how to make friends

i can remember how to be nice

i can be nice to you.

the day is cold

our room is at least 50 degrees Farenheit

far warmer than space, which is around 3 Kelvin

thats -270 degrees celcius

thats how i feel

like i am out in space

i wish i was

the complete calm

the floating

looking at the world

to imagine that there arent massive genocides

that there are pollution problems

that there arent billions of people starving in the streets

that humans arent destroying everything beautiful.

ignore ignore ignore

maybe darwin was right

sit and smoke

small black dogs run around

one is very pregnant

tits on the ground.

the crack head behind me mumbles to herself

something to me about cigs and inspecting them

i have no idea what goes on in her head

i never will.

this city steals souls and i can see it happening.

we have started to call this place home.

but it never will be.

no where can be a home.

until the feeling of complete comfort is here

i am so uncomfortable here

so bad

this city smells

like hate

like pain

like constant greed

like drugs

like the struggle to survive

the dog has a blue collar

it looks at me with big longing eyes

it wants to be loved

wants to be needed

every person is like a good dog

completely loyal

willing to protect the people it loves

i wish i had people like that here

but no

all my people are gone somewhere else

they are miles and miles away.

so i sit here

i feel alone

i lie on my projects.

i do everything i can to try and not feel

lonely

depressed

its true when we jokingly say we dont laugh here

we laugh when something funny happens

but its always funny becuase it causes us pain and we realize it.

its ridiculous.

i need to get my shit together

i need to have the will to survive

but im no competitor

i am a whimp

survival of the fittest

will i survuve?

What am I doing here?!

I have no idea what I am doing here.

If I am making the right choices for myself

Lately it seems that this place is not for me.

I just want to be where you are.

I don’t mean it in a creepy way,

But I am in love with you

In everyway

Except romantically.

You are my best friend

I didn’t mean to get that drunk

And kiss you.

In all fairness you started it

When I stuck my tongue out at you in that crowded kitchen

Where you were leaned against the stove and I stuck my tongue out

Hugged you

And you kissed me.

I was caught off guard.

I like that it continued.

But now I am far away

But I can still feel your hand on my leg

While we watched that movie with seth rogen and that blonde girl

Where they make a porn

And you looked at me and said
“this is us!”
then the two characters admitted that they loved each other

I didn’t know what to say.

I can still feel your breath on my neck as I got into the car.

I can feel the warm hugs I received.

I want to be around you until I am old. And I die

I don’t want to be here in this hell hole

Shit pit

Stinking filth of a city.

I am depressed here.
but all that is in my head is her saying

“I hope one day you guys find out that you are madly in love”
“I hope you guys end up together forever.”

but oh dreams are but dreams.

And even then one cant be sure if they are real

Or the right choice

Like college

Like making a living

Like staying here

What the hell is in my head

I need to get out of it

I need to travel the world.

Life is too short for me to stay cooped up here.

But I will

Because I have to make my family proud

And so I will suffer

And become more and more depressed

In a pit

Through my head the question constantly rings

“WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?!”
and so I will ask myself

What am I doing here?!

The day is mine

So sick

my stomach knots

my hands sweat

everything hurts

but guess what this aint tucson

this is hell

i need all my blankets but grow too hot

this life is too short to spend so much time feeling like death

feeling like at any moment life is going to be ripped away.

and i am confused.

i will be for days.

the day is mine.

to waste

to kill

to savor

to do whatever i please

today i must research climate change

read about the stars

and pray that i survive.

today, the day is mine.

i suppose

the weather is far too nice

to be sitting in a class room

learning about plate techtonics and large scale earthquakes

its impossible to imagine mass graves

millions dead

and the earth bending beneath millions of tons of pressure

on a day like this

there is a willow tree outside

swaying and leaning in the wind.

wood chips at its base.

there are people that could be my friend

somewhere in this city

ive heard this city can steal your soul

that if you are here for too long life becomes different

useless.

but i suppose i should just go outside

sit and smoke

enjoy my day.

fuck plate techtonics

i wonder if we could just have class outside...

but i suppose thats not possible...

i suppose...