blue painters tape runs along the edges of all
the paper on my walls
i leave the window open
and nestle into my blankets
the cold air rushes in
sweeping at my face and hair
I am shivering

I leave the window open
the cold reminds me that I can feel
some emotion that isn't this sinking depression
it gets better
but when?

i paint my nails red
I will only pick at the paint
I only chew my nails when I am anxious
or upset
and as i pick at the red polish
i have the urge to just
pull my nails right off
and see the red glistening flesh underneath

the pain
to remind me i can feel
I want to tear off all my clothes and
rip out all my hair and
lay naked in the street and
pray that someone will see me because
i feel so invisible lately

but I dont have the motivation to fight for attention
i barely have the motivation to bathe or
eat or
put on real clothes but
all my clothes are dirty or full of holes

so i just lay in bed
with the window open
so i can smell the leaves and wood smoke
mingled with weed and cigarette smoke
I just lay here and think
about moving somewhere
living somewhere else

"We should start playing the lottery" you say
"If I had a million dollars I would do so many things"
I dont know if I would.
I would probably move
then find some menial job to occupy myself
because really
there is only so much I would do with a million dollars....

I need to get out of this funk....
with blue tape
and no motivation