i really

need to get some god damn motivation.

i cant concentrate.
too depressed.
i cant even sit here with out my stomach knotting
because i know i have fucked up

i know i have done something to be ashamed of.
i am a failure.
and i dont like where i am

i told her i would do my best.
not for me.
but for her.
because i hate where i am.

i feel like a 7 year old.
talking to my cat.
because she is my best friend
and she is going to die.

and yes i know everything dies.
i fucking know that
its the circle of god damn life

but she is my best friend.
i tell her everything
and she wont judge me
she doesnt sass me
she doesnt say anything

she just sits there
and stares at me
like she knows exactly what i said.
and that she will keep my secrets.

so here i am
trying to study
not because i care.
but because i told my fucking cat i would avenge her honor.

because i am a fucking nerd.
because my cat doesnt need avenging
but because i feel like i have let everyone around me down.
myself included.

my father because i cant bring myself to tell him.
my mother because we are poor and she still supports me no matter what.
and that just hurts
because i dont deserve it.

and here i am
crying.
when i should be learning
because i feel so unsafe
so uncomfortable
so lost

because i know you arent here
and you arent holding me

because i really need to grow some fucking balls
tell you what i think
all of you.
because i really need
to get some god damn motivation.

i just need a fucking break
a life
something besides what i am expected to do.

i need to be away from here
but i dont think i would be happy.
i cant let people down.

so many things i wish i had done
but i dont have time for regrets.

i have to avenge the honor of a cat.
who has done nothing more than listen.
and be my friend when i felt like no one else would be.
who loved me when i was mad
and hates when i cry.

who would sleep with me when i was sick.
and would sit with me when i waited for my friends.
who would eat off my plate, and meow in the middle of the night because she wanted to find me.

im sorry im not home
im sorry i wasnt better to you.

im sorry im not there to make you feel safe.

im sorry i dont fee safe.
im sorry i hate it here.

im sorry for everything i shouldnt be sorry for.

im sorry i love you so much
and you dont feel the same way.

im sorry that i cried on you
and made you feel awkward.

i really need to not be so sorry.
i just really have no idea what im doing.
and i am scared.
i really really am.